April 1st, 2025 - 04/01/25 09:41 PM

yeah i fell asleep last night ill try again tonight

but my parents got a stupid motion sensing light and they might wake up when i try ughhh

im gonna redo my blog system to be more like a public diary

ill have censors ████ ████ (like this) and not have post titles anymore, just dates

you cant undo the memories you have with me

i wish i could

i want to forget so badly you dont get it

this isnt to ANYONE in particular, whoever may be reading this, theres unfortunately alot of people

ill never know if it was me or them and that pains me

they assume that ill figure it out if i stop being so shallow

and i dont want to be even more shallow and blame it on my autism but if u think about it

its very likely i wont ever get it unless im told

and thats the only way ill ever improve the way you wish i did unless someone else does it first

im annoyiing and cringe asf i get it

i just want to have friends bruh

ill never stop feeling like an outcast yet more intelligent than every person im around

i know im intelligent but i drown myself in ego

yet i act like everyone should be looking out for me even tho i pretend im so self-dependent

im not self-dependent

ive just learned how to cope with being self-dependent

i need people, i need friends, i need connection, i crave it so bad

i only have a few online friends that i met in a discord server

but they arent really close

alot of them havent seen my face

when i say need connection i mean real genuine connection

real life connection

even someone talking to me, even people i hate, it makes my day

and it makes me feel so much better

there was this person in my class who used to infantalize me and treat me really awful

i think theyre misunderstood honestly

they talked to me more and i saw some level of humanity in them

honestly i dont know what i'll do

i cant live without people :(