apology for old friends - 06/09/25, 11:52 PM

im not just missing my old friends

i am mourning the version of myself that drove all of them away

the one that felt like it was better than the past versions

im carrying the worst guilt i have ever felt and i wish someone would tell me its okay and i dont have to worry anymore

people change

the fact im reflecting regretting and understanding is part of my growth

the version of myself that was so awful wasnt bad

they were awful, but not bad

i dont believe a single human is bad

im healing from the grief some but i am crying writing this

mourn without erasing

let my past self be human

to finally say what ive been carrying for too long, i miss you

some of you more than others and some of you in ways i cant even explain

you were important to me, and you still are

looking back i was disgusting, weird, sometimes in ways that hurt people or otherwise made things uncomfortable

at the time i didnt fully understand how i came across, i didnt mean to push anyone away

i think i just wanted to be seen or accepted or understood and i would try to get those feelings by doing things i wouldnt

i know some of you have forgave me, if you matured as i did, and i hope you found your peace

but i hope the rest of you can forgive me

thank you for the times we did have