stages of grief: bargaining - 06/09/25, 11:38 PM

i guess i just used to be a really weird person

my scooter got fixed two days ago

very fun to ride around again

i want to sell it to buy a faster one

my current one goes only 34mph, good to go exact speed limit but really annoying for other people when it starts dying

itll go like 25mph if its low on battery and then i get people flipping me off

a new one could go 43mph consistently, and maybe ~34mph when its low

that way people wont be as upset with me

i saw a video of someone throwing rocks at a "no fishing" sign and apparently theyve been doing it for years

15 years or something like that, really heartbreaking to watch for some reason

oh yeah and i still have summer school, that sucks so much

its very little, two days a week in june. already 1/4 done

my hair appointment is on thursday so maybe i wont have to go, but since its only two days a week i dont want to miss any days just for a hair appointment.

i hope we can reschedule it but we might not be able to, it is expensive and therefore if we cant i will just have to miss school smh

i met up with friend on scooters and bought him my favorite starbucks drink (just mocha frapp)

somedays i miss the friends i lost alot, i hope they forgive me so i dont have to carry the burden

ive been slowly making the burden less, but i just want them to know im sorry for being so weird

im giggling at the thought, there were multiple people i texted "the blood is dripping down my hands, it feels so good" in 2024

who starts a conversation like that and why did it not occur that may be why i dont have friends LOL

i actually feel really bad about what i used to be

it makes me want to vomit i put people thru that

i am starting a band with friend, we have guitarist (me) and drummer (him)

he has bassist friend who would join

other friend of mine can do keyboard

we might need second guitarist bc some radiohead songs need two

im really depressed without old friends

i took them for granted but i was really lucky to have them while i did

its been too long now, i should have stopped caring

i actually lost alot in 2024, some ive known for years

the grief is immaculate especially knowing its my fault

i dont know how to get through it well

maybe im still at bargaining, i wonder how long i have been. probably way too long

i kind of switch between depression and bargaining alot but i think its mainly just bargaining

i deleted contacts and old videos and photos a long time ago, i wanted it to force me to feel better

i also did that with messages

it did not make me feel better

sorry, to all of you, i dont think we'll talk again, but it would be nice

and i miss all of you

and nothing would replace the temporary spots you had in my life